Trigger Warning- this post has graphic detail of a miscarriage experience. It is my hope that miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss will one day no longer be a taboo subject in our culture. That men and women will be able to share their experiences without shame, knowing there are others who have been there. Sharing our stories, when ready, can be therapeutic amongst believers, allowing us the chance to encourage an edify one another. Often in the midst of our pain we believe the lies the enemy uses to strike fear, unbelief, and discontentment into our hearts. As we revisit painful events in our lives, we can identify those lies and become free of them. Through recognizing God’s truth and through faith in; and love for, Christ Jesus we can be healed. If you do not feel ready to read this post at this time, that is completely understandable. I pray God returns this to your path in His perfect timing.
So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed him, “If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
Lord Where Did You Go?
My heart could not believe that it was happening again. Painful contractions consumed me, but I was only 10 weeks pregnant, and I hoped with everything in me that I was wrong about what I thought was happening.
‘God make it stop. You can make it stop, please save my baby,’ I prayed silently.
There had to be another explanation.
‘Lord, you already took my son- my beautiful son. Let me keep this one,’ I pleaded with God. Although my head knew to accuse God of “taking” Keanu was inaccurate, as our son, and all life, already belongs to God; my heart still cried out in pain.
‘God, where are you now?’
My thoughts screamed, tears running down my face. After what seemed like an eternity in the ER waiting room, where I wasn’t taken seriously enough to admit immediately, my water broke and I was rushed to an intake room. There I labored, and in the bathroom next to that room is where our precious baby Selah left my womb.
No one ever told me a miscarriage, even this early, could be as painful as full term unmedicated childbirth. It was also just as messy- if not more so due to the chaotic circumstances. It didn’t last as long but the intensity felt the same. Though I later demanded it, initially I wasn’t even offered pain medication at the Hospital because it was “just a pregnancy loss.”
But it was labor; we just give it a different name at this stage. I didn’t just lose a pregnancy; I lost my child. Another child I so desperately wanted.
After I delivered my tiny baby’s body; whose soul had already departed, I then had to deliver the rest of the birth materials- just as in full term labor.
I didn’t know if I was going to survive another loss. In a brief moment, I didn’t know if I wanted to. I had been earnestly faithful last time; when we lost our son. I studied scripture, prayed, praised, and danced before the Lord in my grief. Not because I thought He would give me what I wanted; He had made His will clear to me. Not because that is just what we are supposed to do. But because I yearned to be close to my healer, my redeemer; I needed the comfort and peace only He could provide, and He was faithful. So why were we here again?
I had poured out my heart to Him and glorified Him in my pain because I love Him more than the gifts He gives or takes away.
'Haven't I proven myself already,' I thought-not realizing at the time that this was not about me. Pride can be so very sneaky.
Why would God allow this again? Why allow another test? He must know my faith would not waiver- right? I felt like the walls around me would explode from the pressure of my anger; as if God owed me something; knowing it is I who owe Him everything.
Alone
Despite previous traumatic experiences in my life, this one felt different somehow. This time I felt -entirely alone. Forsaken. Abandoned by God.
Were we being punished?
Where was God? I sure didn’t feel Him anywhere near me.
I was finally taken to a bed in the ER but there was no space to admit me. Walking back and forth to the restroom made the hallway look like a horror scene. They must have been short staffed because the next time I had to go, the mess remained.
If I had to endure this again, why did it have to be so hectic?
‘God don’t you see me? I need your help.’ But I heard no answer.
Every time a medical professional entered the room my husband requested that they examine our baby’s remains. Maybe there was a reason, something we could prevent in the future. But every time he asked, he was more or less, ignored.
Adding insult to injury, my nurse appeared quite far along in her own pregnancy. I could feel how much she wished she could hide her belly from me. My husband also saw her crying as she left her shift- seemingly in compassion for us.
‘Why put either of us in this position, Lord?'
As it seemed I wouldn’t be released for a while due to the amount I was still bleeding, my husband ran home to get me some clean clothes. While he was gone, I laid in the bed and a doctor whom I loved, and still do, came to check on me. I asked if my baby’s remains could be examined and explained that my husband had also been asking, receiving no answer.
With a look of deep remorse the doctor replied, “No one is going to look at that. I am so sorry. The remains will be disposed of. There is probably nothing recognizable anyway.”
‘But her body is right there next to you!’ I wanted to shout.
‘Why won’t anyone just look? Why isn’t anyone listening?’
I thought of this baby as a girl even though it had been too soon to know. She had caused me similar symptoms as my first daughter had in the womb.
“They can’t put my baby in a trash can,” I protested.
“It is just the physical part,” the doctor tried to comfort me.
‘Well, your body is just the physical part of you,’ I wanted to reply, ‘but I hope no one puts you in a trash can when you die.’ But I held my tongue attempting not to speak in anger.
But it was true, it is still true.
Final Arrangements and Aftermath Details
Sometimes in miscarriage, especially when the baby is still so tiny, there is no way to recognize the child. However, there are other horrific circumstances in which people die where bodies cannot be found or cannot be found fully intact. We still attempt to lay those people to rest with dignity.
I do not wish to shame a mother who miscarried in a toilet or in some other undesirable location- not that any location is exactly ideal for losing your child. Often, we don’t know what is happening until it is too late in such circumstances.
That doesn’t mean you are a bad mother or that you did anything wrong, and I am so sorry if this is something you had to experience. Even if it was a long time ago, you can still have some sort of memorial service (private or otherwise) for your child if you wish.
I believe the following information can also be valuable to mother's (and father's) who chose to abort their baby. It is not too late to repent. Jesus wants to heal you too.
(The following resources may also be ideas to help someone you know experiencing grief, but please use these ideas prayerfully, using discernment as everyone grieves differently.)
You can bury, or keep in a special safe place, a blanket or toy you had planned for your child. You can also write them a letter and keep it in an urn or do some sort of release (like a controlled burning of a letter or a butterfly release). If you wish to have something tangible to honor your child, you could make or have something made in their honor. Etsy can be a good place to find such artwork. Below are some links to Etsy shops I bought from after our losses. (I do not receive compensation from promoting these sellers nor do I condone everything on each of these websites.) The women I communicated with from these shops were extremely warm and helpful in helping me customize products to remember my children by:
Launa and Jaine Safe in the Arms of Jesus Miscarriage Print Gift, Infant Loss Print, Miscarriage Memorial Print, Instant Digital Download - Etsy
Fortunately, a friend from our congregation does woodwork, and when we lost our first son, he surprised us with a beautiful urn that sits on our dresser. We have the ashes of all three of the babies we lost inside of it now.
Another dear friend gifted me with a pillow that weighed as much as my son, who was born still. This was very comforting as the feeling of "empty arms" after infant loss can be excruciating. I still get it out sometimes just to remember how he felt in my arms. I believe these can also be bought on Esty. I would, however, discourage life like baby dolls after infant loss, which could contribute to delusions and mental health issues.
To read more about our other losses and how God carries us through them, please see the About section.
On a side note, if a burial is not in your budget after a miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss, there are funeral homes that will greatly discount the cost of cremation. In our area, a funeral and burial can be tens of thousands of dollars. On top of hospital bills, this may not be practical; especially (if like us) you live in a state where you cannot count the child you lost on your taxes- including a full term still born child.
Cremation where we live, is typically around three thousand dollars. Our local funeral home cremated our first child for $100 and later did not charge us to cremate Noah (our fourth child and third baby we lost) due to the circumstances. If you miscarry in a hospital and wish to bury or cremate, be sure to let the doctors and nurses know that you want your child’s remains. They probably can’t release them to you directly by law, but they can release them to the funeral home of your choice where they can assist you with arrangements.
Also, mama’s of those precious babies born sleeping, know that you have options when your milk comes in. I was simply told to wrap my breast tightly to stop the milk. That hurt- a lot. It can also cause infection. To me it seemed like trying to erase my son, like trying to forget. But I didn’t want to forget. I didn’t want anyone to forget him. I didn't want any part of his life to be wasted.
So once I got home, I did a little research and I decided to use a breast pump to wean and to donate Keanu’s milk to a local family who needed it. Some women choose to keep up their supply and continue donating. That is totally up to you. There is also a program called Tear Drops and Milk Drops that will accept any amount of milk from bereaved mothers. If they can’t give it to another baby for some reason, they will use it in research. Normally to donate breast milk you have to produce a certain amount and meet some other criteria- but for moms grieving their child they do not have any such requirement. The following is a link for Tennessee. However, you should be able to find a milk bank near you with a similar or the same program by typing "Mother's Bank near me" or "Tear Drops and Milk Drops near me."
Donate After Loss | Mothers' Milk Bank of Tennessee (milkbanktn.org)
Why This? Why Now? My Story Continued
Shortly after the doctor left, my husband returned. The bleeding was getting worse, I was hemorrhaging and had to be taken to surgery for a D&C to stop the bleeding.
When we lost Keanu I worshipped, I prayed, I trusted God’s plan, I stayed in His word. I drew near to God, and as promised he drew near to me (Jeremiah 29:12-13). So why this, why now, why again?
I felt like a modern-day Job.
But Job never learned why he experienced such great loss either. He was only reminded (in a pretty grand way), that God was in control. And after all was said and done, God chose to bless Job again (Job 38-42). You can read more about what it really means to be blessed in one of my previous posts: An Uncommon Perspective of Blessed.
The truth is, knowing why may not change anything even if God revealed it to me. He has graced me with some answers but not all. But knowing the why, though I appreciate the information, is not always comforting anyway because I still miss my children, I still wish to hold them and raise them. But we must trust in God’s plan, even when we don’t like the way it looks and take comfort, finding joy, in Christ alone.
As the Psalmist put it, "All my springs are in you" (Psalm 87:4) Jesus is the source of everything good.
Jesus is the only unchanging and absolutely dependable part of our lives. When we begin to doubt, we can always pray as did the father who sought deliverance for his son from demon possession, "Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!" (Mark 9:20-25)
Our time here is fleeting. People will fail us. We will fail others. At some point, we lose the ones we love or they lose us. Titles, roles, positions, businesses, belongings can all become lost, broken, stolen or destroyed. Even health, mental capacity, and beauty all eventually age and fade.
But Jesus.
Jesus never changes. He is the same yesterday, today and forever (Hebrews 13:8)
Back to Job
Though later God did restore Job’s life, please let me take a moment to point something out. Yes, Job was given more children- but they did not replace the children he lost. If God gave us more children I would be thrilled, and grateful.
But those precious gifts wouldn’t erase the children I lost. Keanu, Selah, and Noah will always have a special place in my heart. Though Jesus continues restoring my heart, my babies cannot be replaced by anyone else. Please do not make this mistake when speaking to parents who have lost children. It would be like expecting a child to just get over the loss of their parent when a beloved step-parent enters the scene. That new relationship can be loving and beautiful, and God can use it in the restoration process, but people cannot be replaced.
For those who die in Christ, we can look forward to a sweet reunion with our children in eternity, where we will finally rest together with our Redeemer forever (1 Thessalonians 4:13-17).
Upon Reflection
Sometimes our pain can blind us from the truth. Sometimes through our hurt we might allow Satan a foothold. As horrendous as our experience had been at this point, with the loss of an infant, and now a miscarriage; and another miscarriage to come shortly after this one; time in the presence of the Lord, and obedience allowed me to change my perspective.
After losing Selah, more often than not, I didn’t feel like studying scripture every day; I didn’t always feel like praying. It was a struggle to continue teaching my daughter such biblical principles and habits when I didn’t even feel like doing them myself. I certainly did not feel like going to church. Later my husband confessed He had felt the same. But by the grace of God and through our obedience and already established habits of spiritual discipline, we kept praying, we kept studying, we kept praising, and we kept going anyway.
Sometimes solitude with the Lord is what we need, though we do not want it to turn into isolation (Hebrews 10:25).
But aside from each other we had to consider our daughter. So we pushed through those feelings and persevered in obedience. Even if one if us just couldn’t do it, the other stepped up and took her.
I didn’t carry out obedience perfectly. I didn’t always do it without grumbling in my heart. I didn’t do it fully trusting God this time, but my faith, though maybe a mustard seed, did grow again- and stronger. The Lord was gracious and patient with me, and merciful to me in this process. Holy spirit gently reminded me of all my blessings; my loving husband, my daughter who survived a high-risk pregnancy, my servant hearted mother and all the ways she helps us, our beautiful home, our supportive church family, and ultimately my relationship with Christ; salvation and sanctification through Him. Eventually, my heart caught up to what my head already knew. I had not actually been alone, abandoned, or forsaken.
As followers of Christ, we must remember that our feelings do not always align with the truth (Jeremiah 17:9).
I encourage you to study through Psalm 91 in conjunction with John 15:4-11 to gain deeper understanding of what it means to "abide" in the Lord. Abiding in the Lord is how we come out on the other side of these storms and valley seasons.
A Renewed Perspective
Though I can look back on that moment in the hospital, remembering clearly what it felt like to believe I had been abandoned and forsaken, I know now how misleading my own feelings were.
So where was God in that Hospital room?
His Spirit was in me and in my husband who cared for me the whole time.
His son, Jesus, who loves me so much that he willingly sacrificed himself for me on the cross, was loving me and interceding for me (Romans 8:34).
King Jesus, who loves you so much that he willingly sacrificed himself for you on the cross, loves you and intercedes for you.
God was watching over that waiting room where my water breaking made such a heart-breaking mess. I believe He was using it to teach the witnesses there something eternal. I can now hold firmly to the promise of Romans 8:28:
And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.
Nothing was wasted of Keanu’s life, Selah’s life, and later Noah’s life. Nothing will be wasted of our tribulation experiences. Nothing has to be wasted of yours either.
This Easter let’s remember; bunnies and candy are fun but what we truly celebrate is Christ and his loving willingness to pay our debt. We celebrate His power over sin and grave. We are never alone, because after He rose again, He sent us His Holy a Spirit, who guides and comforts us always (John 14:15-18).
More Scriptures on God's love for us and Faithfulness to us in the trials: