The Valley

We must stay connected to Christ, who, despite our circumstances and what we see in the natural, is still on the throne. Jesus did not promise us a life without trouble, rather He assures us that we will experience suffering in this life, "But take heart! I have overcome the world" (John 16:33).

It is easy to praise God when things are going the way we want, the way we planned, when we can see and feel prosperity in our family, when we are comfortable, and when good things come easily. And when we get to Heaven, things will always be good there. There will be no Valley to praise through. But on this side of Heaven, we have a unique opportunity when we walk through the valley.

Only in the valley can we give God our sacrificial praise. What a pleasing aroma to the Lord it must be, to see that we love and trust Him wholeheartedly. That we love the giver even more than His good and perfect gifts. That we trust His perfect plan He has for us even when we can't see the whole picture. Even when it tears our heart into pieces. Beloved, He is not just watching our pain, He is walking it with us, feeling it with us.

But beyond how God perceives our praise, we are encouraged to do so not because of what He gets from it, but because of what we get from it, because we are so precious to him.

The Valley

Consider for a moment Psalm 84:6:

As they pass through the Valley of Baca,
They make it a spring;
The rain also covers it with pools.

Let's break down what scripture says here. Baca is a type of balsam plant which can survive dry conditions and its resin is used in healing ointment. So, as we pass through this dry place the Holy Spirit fills us with strength and gives us provision for healing.

The following line says, "They make it spring." A spring is defined as a place where water or oil wells up from an underground source or the origin or source of something. A spring is a place of refreshing and we become refreshed through praising because Christ alone is our source and our portion. He is enough when there is not enough. We don't need the thing or the person we think we need (that is not to say the thing or person is insignificant). Our only true need is Jesus.

And still in the last line of this verse we see even more of God's goodness and faithfulness in the Valley. "The rain also covers it with pools." Water is a life-giving and life-sustaining source — a pool of rain is evidence of abundance. Our Father in Heaven has and is more than enough in these dry seasons. God can always turn our Valley experiences into something beautiful when we welcome the Lord to walk with us, when we run to Him and not away from Him.

When we turn to God in the dry Valley of Baca, also known as the Valley of Weeping, He strengthens and heals us. He restores and refreshes us as we praise. Christ sustains us here and the Father generously pours out His Spirit on us.

Regardless of whether your wounds are fresh, old, or somewhere in between, the Lord desires healing for all of us (Psalm 103:2-5). Healing does not always look the way we think it will look, but God knows exactly what we need, when we need it. Remember, friend — His ways are higher (Isaiah 55:8-9) and He will turn your mourning to dancing and make beauty for ashes (Psalm 30:11-12, Isaiah 61:3). If we can only trust and wait on the Lord (Lamentations 3:25).

My Story

In early 2019 we received news of our first baby, and we got to meet her later that year. She has always been our sunshine baby; one of the greatest blessings we have ever known. Beautiful, silly, wild, intelligent, and athletic are just a few words that describe her. But later I learned that the term "Sunshine Baby" is actually used to describe a child before loss; which is also a term that now describes her.

We expected our second child in late 2021. I was so excited that our first two children would be almost exactly two years apart. It did not take us long to settle on the name 'Keanu' after learning he was a boy. At first, I was reluctant to my husband's suggestion of this name. "We have no ties to Hawaiian culture or the actor," I argued with laughter thinking he must be joking. "Look up the meaning," he insisted; so, I did: "Cool breeze over the mountain." Immediately I heard Holy Spirit speak, 'breath of fresh air.'

We had everything prepared for his arrival and his big sister couldn't wait to meet him. But five days after Keanu's due date, he was born without any breath at all. A difficult labor turned into an emergency c-section. By the time we got to meet him, an infection had already taken him away. But I can still see God's purpose on our son's life being fulfilled. Despite the depth of pain only known by a parent who has lost a child, Keanu's memory and his story remains a 'breath of fresh air.'

In 2022 we mourned. That year we started a business and named it after our son. We drew near to the Lord and He drew near to us. We felt the overwhelming love and unexplainable peace of God. In 2022 we struggled, we smiled, we cried, we danced, we laughed, we prayed, we read, we hurt, and we began the lifelong process of healing. And what the enemy thought he could use to break us apart, only strengthened our faith and our marriage and brought our family closer together.

In late 2022, we also found out that we were expecting our third child. We didn't tell our daughter this time. She was still processing what happened with her brother, so we decided to wait until I started to show, but unfortunately, I never did. There was no explanation for this abrupt loss. When we said goodbye to baby #3 at just 10 weeks, God gave us the name "Selah." My heart, more broken than I knew possible, cried out to the Healer and He sat with me. There is no known natural reason why we lost Selah, or the next baby.

In April of 2023 we lost our fourth baby. Test after test, and we have no answers on why we lost our precious baby Noah. This baby probably passed around 7 weeks, and again we said goodbye at 10. The world might say that Noah doesn't count. But every precious soul counts. Noah is loved by God and by us, forever. Someday we will meet our babies in Heaven. Their souls, their lives, do matter.

Then in July of 2024 we welcomed another precious baby girl! Her story can be found in my post Shalom: Perfect Peace; Nothing Missing.

In October 2025, around our oldest daughter's birthday, we found out we were expecting another baby. On what would have been Keanu 's 4th birthday, we were told there were very serious concerns for baby's health. Trisomy 18 was suspected and later confirmed at birth. We hoped and prayed every day that we would get to hold him; that he would be beat the odds. We trusted the Lord would guide us in providing for whatever he needs he had. We named him Jude, the chosen patron saint of this page you can learn more about here.

Our little Jude made it 32 weeks. He was 1lb and 3 oz. He looked like a peaceful little baby doll with the tiniest little feet. Though he had already passed, we did get to hold him. My 6-year-old had prayed for this opportunity as well, though we had all hoped he would be alive; she still radiated with love at the chance to hold her sweet little brother.

We will forever cherish every heart beat we got to listen to, every ultrasound he showed out for us, and every tiny kick. You can read more about our journey with Jude here.

Through every joy and heart break we have learned that babies are not simply a miracle. They are a series of a million miracles. There seems to be more things that can go wrong than what needs to go right.

The same could possibly be said for each day we take another breath. Life itself is a miracle - or perhaps a series of miracles granted to us not just in this life but also offered in eternal life through Christ Jesus.

With Jude we learned so much about the different trisomies, the many issues so many others have experienced in pregnancy with traumatic deliveries. We also learned about so many disabilities and resources for those with varying disabilities. Though I do not believe God causes these things, I do believe God used all of this in an answer to my prayer to be made more like Christ. As my head grew in knowledge my heart grew in compassion. I am reminded daily not to assume to know what other people are going through and to try to give others the benefit of the doubt.

I am constantly reminded that I need to exercise more mercy.

In addition to losing four of our children, I also lost my big brother to suicide as a teenager. To this day, I have never met anyone quite like him. After losing him, I slowly walked away from God and turned to a life of sin. After seven years, praying family members, and God's supernatural protection, the Lord was faithful to bring this prodigal back home to Him.

I have experienced many other painful losses through death, as a child of divorce, and through rejection. Due to my faith and commitment to Christ, I have had some people, some relationships I cherish greatly, cut me out of their lives. It hurts my heart, and I pray that one day these relationships are restored and these beloved people also come to know Jesus.

But despite these losses, I find my life filled with hope and joy by the grace of God. My family and I have so much to celebrate and so much for which we are grateful. But even if it all fell away, we would still have Jesus; our salvation, identity and fulfillment in Christ, the love of the Father and His endless mercy.

Invitation

Selah; the term that has consistently defined my valley seasons, since surrendering my heart and my life to Christ. The meaning of the Hebrew word is somewhat debated; "praise God," "to lift up," "to exalt," are a few interpretations. It is also generally accepted by biblical scholars as a musical term as we see it repeated throughout Psalms, meaning "holy pause," indicating a time to meditate on the word of God. When we face the darkest storms, our "Job moments," we must keep our eyes on Jesus, our hearts positioned toward Heaven. Our souls need to continue to lift up our praise to God, exalting his name, and seeking His face before anything else. We must reflect on His goodness. Brothers and sisters, this world is not our final destination, and even when we don't feel it, we can trust that the Lord is working all things for our good (Romans 8:28).

Jesus did not promise us a life without trouble, but he did promise that he would never leave nor forsake us. He promised to walk it with us. And at the end of this life, He promised those who endure to the end, eternity with Him in paradise (John 3:16).

Selah; the title of this blog and the name God gave us for our third baby, the second child we lost. We lost her in the womb a little over a year after delivering our full-term son, who passed away during labor. What a beautiful name God chose, in such a heavy season. In our season of grief, God taught me how to really be still in His presence. I learned how to sit at his feet and bask in his peace that surpasses all understanding. Christ strengthened me and Holy Spirit empowered me to continue praying, to continue praising, to continue celebrating, loving, and living life to the full; to continue hoping and trusting in the Lord.

This blog is for the hurting, the mourning, and those who have lost. Those whose souls have been deeply wounded, this is a ministry for you.

I would like to invite you to join in my journey through various valley seasons by subscribing to this blog. It is my hope that my experiences with grief and loss will encourage, teach, and minister to those who find themselves facing the storms of this life in this fallen world. At some point we all walk through the valley, but we were never meant to walk it alone. Thank you for taking the time to read this far. May you be blessed with the mind and the peace of Christ as the joy of the Lord overflows in you.