Surely we have reached our quota on pregnancy issues,' I thought. 'Everything has to be okay. There is absolutely no way there is another problem.'
Shortly after finding out that we were expecting our 6th baby we were sent to maternal fetal medicine "just to make sure" that baby was developing properly as the ultrasound showed baby's belly could be a concern. I recounted our steps:
Baby #1: placenta previa, required a c section. I dreaded the C-section as I had dreamed of natural labor, but after a scare a few weeks before her due date, our girl was fine and we were thankful. Our first born has remained our sunshine girl through it all.
Baby #2: at 40 weeks and 5 days I attempted a VBAC (vaginal birth after c section) because I thought it would be best for me, our baby boy, and our future children. But during labor his rate dropped . We later found out he had an infection. I was rushed for an emergency C-section and he did not survive. My sweet Keanu was otherwise my easiest pregnancy.
Baby #3: filled with excitement with the news of our dear Selah and a totally normal ultrasound, we were met just a couple of short weeks later with a violent, painful and unexpected miscarriage. Genetic testing wasn't offered. Angry, hurting, and longing to for my baby, now the fear was really setting in as I realized the joy of a positive pregnancy test may be lost on me forever.
Baby #4: Concurrently joyful and terrified, I contacted my doctor after getting the positive result at home and made the appointments. There was a heartbeat....until there wasn't. No growth occurred. We had them check over and over for a month until finally my doctor became concerned of the risk of sepsis and we had to release our little Noah to the Lord. Genetic testing did not reveal any reason for the loss.
Baby#5: I prayed for peace every day of this pregnancy. Prior to conception I had to find a new doctor because I just couldn't keep going to the same place and crying in front of all the pregnant ladies in the waiting room at every appointment. 'Stop scaring them,' I told myself- but the tears flowed anyway.
Trauma bonded with my OB who was completely sympathetic to my need for a fresh start; we parted ways with a hug and a prayer.
My new OB was thorough and kind. She made sure I was in good shape for our next baby. When we got news of our 5th baby she monitored us closely.
I struggled with fear and temptation to despair everyday of that pregnancy but God was faithful and He granted me the peace I needed to make it to the next day. That season was full of more joy than I could have every imagined after so much loss. But it didn't erase the grief or pain. This new life didn't replace the lives I had held and lost before. I couldn't bear a baby shower...my own or others. I was apprehensive to plan for baby's arrival - but did it anyway.
I laid down my dream of natural childbirth. All I wanted now was to bring my baby home... And this time- we did!
Born perfectly healthy, we remained in that supernatural peace for about 2 weeks- then she showed us her wild side and has fostered our agility ever since!
Baby #6: Now here we were, 15 month later, expecting another baby. Our desire for a large household now felt in reach. I daydreamed about multiples but knew I would be happy regardless. I prayed for a boy knowing we would be just as excited for another girl.
The New Baby
After the first ultrasound, which was done early due to our history, I was asked to go to a maternal fetal medicine clinic just to make sure baby was developing properly. "It can be normal at this stage but we just want to make sure because it appears baby's stomach hasn't closed completely." "It can be normal at this stage-" I held on to that. 'There is absolutely no way anything is wrong with this baby,' I thought, 'this baby is coming home, this baby has to come home.'
I went to the ultrasound alone, confident that all was well.
It was not.
I was given a long list of all the possible problems my baby had. With each problem I sought to identify a way to help our child or took note that we needed to find help for that problem. My head was overflowing with questions and information.
Abortion was suggested....." We don't believe in abortion," I heard myself say. This lady seemed to hurt for me while at the same time believing my baby's life wasn't worth fighting for. She's seen a lot I'm sure- but she doesn't know us.
Where the world saw a problem to be terminated, we saw a child that needed our help. Where the world saw a burden, we saw a blessing we longed to meet.
She referred me to their other clinic for another ultrasound.
We found out we were having a boy and that Trisomy 18 was suspected. "Incompatible with life," they said.
But he was still alive.
Later I learned that The association of pediatrics is asking medical professionals to stop using that term in relation to trisomies. There are many children living with trisomies today!
Our Village
I requested a prayer on a Catholic Facebook group. Information began to flood the comments. A lady that I later found out lives not too far from us, private messaged me. She had a baby with trisomy 18 that was thriving and knew several others in our area. I got to meet an 8-year-old who has beat the odds and lives right down the road from us. Her mother became a rock for me. These ladies referred me to a doctor nearby who dealt with many trisomy pregnancies. My OB was happy to send a referral to the specialist and the work began.
"If he dies it won't be because we didn't try everything," we told the doctor - he understood the assignment.
That Catholic group also got me connected with an organization called Be not afraid; a non-profit that provides comprehensive, life-affirming support and case management to parents carrying a baby to term after receiving a severe prenatal diagnosis. The ladies that worked with us walked with us every step of the way, helping us navigate the medical field and offering endless emotional support and guidance.
Our girls' godparents and our extended "god family", along with others from our parish, our homeschool co-op, and so many other brothers and sisters in Christ checked on us regularly, brought or sent us meals, gave us helpful gifts, and prayed for us. People I didn't even know sent us items in the mail for support. Candles were being lit in Catholic churches all over the country for our baby.
I felt so encouraged that we would get to raise him; even if for only a little while.
Living with Uncertainty
We tried to focus on loving him one day at a time while also planning for a future that was unclear and out of our control:
We planned for a baby that was miraculously healed. We planned for a baby with severe special needs that would live in the NICU for the first year of life. We planned for baby born alive, but that may not live long. And we made peace with the reality that he may not be born alive at all.
In the midst of all of this, we still had to figure out what to tell our oldest daughter. When she was turning two years old and we were expecting her first brother we read all kinds of books together about being a big sister. She had the big sister shirt and the big sister questions. She helped arrange the new baby's clothes and belongings like the good big sister she was. She was so ready for her baby brother who eventually came home in a box instead of in our arms. She got to meet him at the hospital and saw his things slowly go back into storage at home . We explained that he went to heaven and she asked if we could go there. So we read the books about heaven and about babies who go there. Books like Jellybean. Her grief was unbearable for me and had to be carried by the Lord himself.
But this time we knew ahead of time that there was a reasonable chance that baby brother might not come home again. So this time we did not prepare our almost 2-year-old daughter in the same way. We talked about her brother and explained that she was a big sister. Watching her big sister, she kissed my belly and talked to her little brother. But we didn't go much beyond that with her.
But this time we also, had a 6-year-old daughter. An intuitive and intelligent 6-year-old daughter who had already lost a little brother. She had figured out I was pregnant almost before we did. She prayed for a brother so many times.
With the help of a therapist, we had to find a way to be honest with her at a developmentally appropriate level without causing further anxiety. Little by little we explained that little brother could be much different than little sister and that it would be okay. We talked about what special needs he might have and how he might have to live in the hospital for a while. We prayed for him every day and night.
She connected the dots faster than I had hoped.
"Is he going to die?" she asked me in the kitchen. "I don't want him to end up like Keanu." I could feel the weight of her heart breaking all over again.
"God will get us through whatever happens," I said for my sake as much as for hers because I honestly I feared this loss could take her from me too.
I begged our Blessed Mother and so many saints for intercession.
'Lord, please let him come home, please don't let this happen to her again' I begged on repeat in my mind.
Then I would see our little Jude on ultrasound. He was tiny but so very active. We loved to watch him in action, making mischief and giving the ultrasound technicians a difficult time.
Aside from getting to watch our son, each doctor's appointment was agony. There were a lot of appointments with a lot of different kinds of doctors. The news got worse each time until it was better, and then worse again - the pattern continued until finally his little heart beat its last...
Until We Meet Again
At 32 weeks and 2 days on Holy Thursday our sweet baby Jude joined his siblings; Keanu, Selah, and Noah, in heaven with our blessed savior, Jesus.
At exactly 1pm on Good Friday he was delivered via c section and we got to hold him.
I opted not to donate milk. With Keanu it helped me process but with Jude I just didn't have it in me this time and Holy Spirit sweetly released me from feelings of guilt about it. This time all I had to give were my tears and those were enough.
His big sisters and intended god parents got to meet him. Holy Saturday, I came home. And Easter Sunday we celebrated our risen Lord who has made a way for us to be reunited someday.
Jude was 1 lb 3.5 oz and 10.5 inches long. He looked like a beautiful little baby doll. I could have held him forever, and I believe he held on as long as he could for us.
EJ somehow knew she was getting a brother before we did and she fell completely in love with him from the moment we could confirm her suspicion. Everyone else fell in love with him shortly after.
Salome, followed her big sister's lead; kissing my belly and signing "brother." Not long after celebrating the exciting news of our son we were told not to expect him to make it past the first trimester; but we held on to hope for healing.
Along with us, EJ had to prepare for her brother's life, and death, at the same time. Something no 6 year old should have to endure, especially after already having lost a little brother. But she astonished us yet again with grace, faith, and her capacity to love without reservation.
We are so grateful for the many people that bravely walked by our sides in this journey of the unknown with us.
And though we didn't get the miracle we prayed for, we did get to hold him. I will never forget his tiny hands and feet and the privilege of holding them.
Jude Everett Franklin Alvarado, thank you for every moment, every kick, and every ultrasound you made us laugh with your shenanigans. You loved apples, daddy's cooked carrots, spicy food, and lemonade slushies. You had lots of energy and enjoyed doing the most. You did not like ultrasounds-at all.
Thank you for showing so many others that those with disabilities or a "life limiting" diagnosis are dignified individuals, worthy of life and love regardless of how long or short that time may be. The amount of time we have isn't up to us, but what we do with it is. Your presence in this life was a gift, I can only imagine meeting you in the next....
Our precious child, may your light continue to shine in this world as you rest in peace forever.
Saint Jude the apostle, pray for us. Saint Zélie, Saint Louis, & Saint Thérèse, pray for us. Saint Joseph, pray for us. Blessed Mother, pray for us. All you angels and saints, pray for us.
"When I closed the eyes of my dear little children and buried them, I really felt the pain. It is a pain to which I have always been resigned. I do not regret the pains and the anxieties I have had to endure on their account. Many people have said to me: 'It would have been better if you had never had them.' I cannot tolerate these words. The pains and anxieties of this life cannot be compared to the eternal happiness of my children. After all, they have not been lost forever, life is short and full of suffering, we shall find them in heaven."- St. Zélie