"Shalom" she prayed, "perfect peace, nothing missing."
My flesh felt appalled but Holy Spirit helped me discern; not only my friend's genuine love and compassion for me, but also that she was right. "Just listen" Holy Spirit whispered.
But how could there be nothing missing?
My son was missing!
My arms felt the constant weight of his absence.
He would be missing from every family photo for the rest of our lives. With the exception of his big sister, he would be missing from the memory of the rest of our future children.
He was missing from the dinner table and from my lesson plans. He was missing from the empty car seat and cradle.
He was even missing from our tax records because you can't count a child that never took a breath; even at full term.
Would he be missing from the headcount? How many siblings will my children say they have? Will loved ones count him in our number of children?
He was missing from every library story time, zoo trip, and orchard visit.
He would be missing from sports rosters and church attendance.
He would be missing from every Christmas....and Easter celebration.
But "Shalom, perfect peace, nothing missing:" those words washed over me again and again, slowly seeping their way into my spirit. My heart meditated on these words in the quiet, tearful night for months.
From Temptation to Despair to Holy Sorrow
At some point during the emergency c-section I passed out and when I woke, the doctor took my hand. With tears in her eyes, I heard her say, "Blair, I'm sorry, he's gone."
My first coherent thought: "I have to live every single day of the rest of my life without him."
Every. Single. Day. He would be missing from every single day... For the rest of my life.
Upon leaving the operating room I saw my husband holding our son.
"God is good...he is still good," he managed to choke out. Numbly, I nodded in agreement, at least I think I did but I couldn't feel myself move. Though my brain couldn't keep up with all that was happening, I knew the only answer was to bring it to the Lord. We didn't understand, our hearts were broken, but we had to trust in Christ- our only hope. Even prior to hearing the sweet prayer of my sister in Christ, God was pouring out “Shalom” His “perfect peace,” and teaching us that in Him, there is “nothing missing.” In His love, there is nothing lacking.
My initial inclination was to despair: “I have to live every single day of the rest of my life without my baby.” Thankfully, Holy spirit lead me down a more righteous path of sorrow, and joy, as I unpacked what this really meant over the following months, and even years.
Despair is dangerous. Like to love, or to hope; to despair is a choice. A choice that degrades God’s goodness and love for us. Despair chooses the lie that all hope is lost over the hope provided by the Lord. Despair is not Shalom; but rather a focus on what we think is missing, what we believe we require to experience joy.
When I thought about living the rest of my life without my son, the enemy whispered, “...every day for the rest of your life is a very long time.” This felt true, because regardless of how many days actually remained in my life, I knew from losing my brother to suicide as a teenager, that each day following a traumatic loss does feel like an eternity.
But faithful people must not be led by our feelings, especially in the storms of sorrow.
Jerimiah 17:9 states:
“The heart is more deceitful than any other thing,
and it is also perverse.
Who can uncover its secrets?” (NCB)
However, just a couple of verses back we are given the remedy to the inclination to “follow your (deceitful) heart”:
“Blessed are those who trust in the Lord
and whose hope is the Lord.
They will be like a tree planted by the water
that spreads out its roots to the stream.
When the heat comes, it does not fear;
its leaves stay green.
It is not concerned in a year of drought,
and it never fails to bear fruit.”
Almost immediately after the temptation to despair presented, I was met with words of wisdom and God’s truth stumbling from my husband’s lips, “God is still good.”
In that moment, I didn’t know all the ways God’s goodness and love would present to us, but I chose to put my trust in that truth; in Jesus.
On the other hand, this does not mean that when tragedy comes our way that we must pretend to be happy- lying to ourselves and being insincere to those around us. An authentic sorrow is healthy and even holy as we offer it up to the Lord. In exchange He abundantly pours out His shalom.
We see Jesus experience and express sorrow in scripture (Matthew 26:36-38, John 11:33-34). He is even known as “Man of Sorrows” and the “Suffering Servant” (Isaiah 53:4-12). Christ welcomes us to bring such sorrow to him (Matthew 11:28-30)
While despair points us away from God, His goodness, and His love, Sorrow can bring us closer to His heart as we run to him with our hurt, maturing us in our pursuit of holy living.
A Biblical Example
Job is a prime biblical example of such living. The book of Job is probably the scripture I have studied the most. I recently heard a priest refer to Job as "our friend Job." Wow- Job does quite feel like a friend by now. I was actually thinking the other day as I was riding in the car, 'it would be so cool to meet Job in Heaven.' I considered how I would thank him for his faithfulness and the role he played in my faith journey.
Sometimes when we look at Job it's hard not to wonder- why would God allow everything that happened to him? Why did God even converse with Satan about dear Job, much less give him any authority over what happened in this faithful man's life?
We are not blatantly given the answer in scripture and there is not a record of God giving Job the answer either. Sort of like when kids ask a really big question and as adults, we know it just wouldn't be fair to give them all the information because neither their head nor heart can readily carry its weight. Sometimes we are like that kid asking a really big question that we couldn’t possibly even understand the whole answer yet.
Let’s also take a moment to remind ourselves of the response that was given- which was essentially a grand reminder, that came with a whirlwind, to Job that our understanding can’t possibly compare to the God of the Universe.
“Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundations?
Tell me, if you have understanding.
Who determined its measurements? Do you know?
Who stretched out the measuring line over it?
What supports the pillars at its bases?
Who laid its cornerstone
while the morning stars sang in unison
and the sons of God shouted for joy?”
Job 38:4-7 (NCB)
And then it hit me-I am indeed thankful for Job and his story. Of course I would never wish the calamity he experienced on anyone. But nonetheless, I am grateful that I can turn to Job's story and glean so much from it. I am grateful that God brings peace to my soul through Job’s story of tribulation and restoration.
Job mourned, and questioned, but he did not lose faith in Yahweh.
Could Job’s story, in part, be for love’s sake? That it was for a much bigger picture than Job was capable of seeing at that time? Does that seem unfair to us, that Job would bear a burden for the benefit of others in the body of Christ? Yet, Job chose to be a servant of the Lord.
And didn’t Christ, who willingly allowed himself to be brutally crucified as a sacrifice for our sins; commands that his followers “pick up your cross” and follow Him? (Matthew 16:24-26). Those who choose relationship with Christ will all have our crosses to carry and burdens to bear for the glory of God and the good of others. Jesus is not secretive or deceptive about this, in addition to calling us to pick up our crosses, He also says that we should count the cost before following Him (Luke 14:27-33). But He is faithful to provide us with the needed strength and his perfect peace, which surpasses our discomfort. In this fallen world we will all experience suffering; but with Jesus, there is peace and healing as we endure.
How many of us have grown closer to the Lord because of Job? How many millions of lives have been blessed, encouraged, and strengthened because of Job's ancient tragedy?
Through him we have an example of an imperfect, yet righteous, man; who loves God immensely, journeying through various kinds of grief. He journeys with friends that love him, but that are also imperfect and even at times unhelpful. How often have we experienced unintentional harmful words from loved ones?
He journeys with a despairing wife that shares in his loss. We see that his wife chose wrongly to despair in their conversation when she states, “Do you still hold fast to your integrity? Curse God and die!” (Job 2:9)
But how my heart aches for this woman that lost her irreplaceable children! How different could her response have been if she had entered into the shalom of God?
I have heard others say, “well God gave them ten back.” As if the pain from the losing her other children would just magically disappear. The new children may have been a comfort, but people cannot be replaced.
Sadly, I have also heard others imply that when a parent loses a child, it is somehow less painful if they: already had other children or go on to have more. As if losing your first child is worse. It looks different to lose your first without the joyful relief of others toddling around, but it is also very difficult to grieve a child while walking your other children though grief as well. Please let us not compare grief, but understand that it is unique to the people experiencing it and their circumstances.
God is Faithful
Job journeys not knowing what God is doing or why he is doing it. Job journeys questioning if God is even on his side. But he leans into these questions rather than abandoning his faith.
How much of this can we relate to? Yet we can trust that we serve a good God.
In the unanswered questions we serve a good God.
In the doubt, we serve a good God.
We serve the only God, who is so very good. So good that we can’t even understand it.
We need only to look to the cross to be reminded of how loving and good He is.
As Father Mike of The Bible in a Year Podcast puts it:
Often God doesn’t take away our pain but rather He enters into it with us (paraphrase).
Holy Spirit walks through the valley with us.
Jesus experiences our sorrows with us.
And through this priceless healing process we have the opportunity to grow closer to the heart of Christ, becoming more like our precious savior.
Over and over these past few years God reminds me that He is love. He reminds me that I was created from love, for love, to love, and to be loved. And so are you dear brothers and sisters.
He Makes Everything Beautiful
So even with the overwhelming sorrow that comes with the loss of a child, and the temptation to despair, God granted me the grace to remember that there was only one place to bring my heart. Even before my heart was ready to heal, and that place was to the feet of Jesus. Even in that moment I felt the peace and security of Christ and His overabundant love for me. His shalom surrounded me.
I didn't know how we were going to live every day without our baby, but I knew the Lord would lead our journey.
What I didn't expect was that this journey would include 2 back to back miscarriages within the next 18 months. What I didn't expect was a slew of financial stressors and many other problems life brings, and learning to manage these things as an adult, as a wife, and a mother- while navigating grief.
I didn't expect the knife in my heart to turn every time someone asked during my 5th pregnancy, "is this your first?" ...or every time a well-meaning acquaintance told my daughter she was going to be a great big sister- my heart sank; because she already had been for 2 years. It just looked very different for her.
We had been asking God to give her brother hugs and kisses for us each night. That was her way of being a big sister to a brother she never got to hold, or change, or teach, or play with. But she was indeed a big sister.
After an instance of confusion, I explained to her when people say things like this they do mean well. I explained she has a choice and her choice can be different depending on how safe she feels. She could simply thank them or she could explain that she was already a big sister with a baby brother in heaven.
And I realized the same went for me, I also had a choice. When asked if this was my first pregnancy, sometimes I simply, and politely, responded "no" and moved on. Sometimes I answered with a more in-depth explanation of my beautiful 4-year-old daughter, my precious son who would have been two years old (at the time); now with his two siblings and the Lord. Either way I told the truth. But sometimes Holy Spirit led me to protect my heart, while other times He encouraged me to lay it out.
The truth about my life, the truth about my story, was that this wasn't my first child, this was my fifth child. But our lifestyle couldn't reflect it in the normal way people would think of such a household. And that was ok. God still brought so much beauty to our home, to our lives, through the celebration of the lives entrusted to us so very briefly. It looked different than we thought it would. It looked different than perhaps others thought it should.
When we lost our son, it changed our lives. It tested our marriage and our faith. I praise God that both made it through that fire, refined; even more beautiful, loving, and understanding than before.
When we choose to let God in, when we submit to His will, offering the pain up to Him and receiving His shalom. He can always make it beautiful.
The Present
Recently, one of the ways in which God has chosen to bless and restore us is through our newest baby girl Salome. Named after my husband’s precious Tia Salome; her name means “Shalom.”
She is a beautiful reminder to us of God’s peace and grace.
While most pregnancies bring happiness and celebration (albeit some uncomfortable symptoms), parents who have lost generally have a choice to make throughout each day of pregnant life: to fear or to enjoy.
In faith I continued to plan, pray, and prepare for her.
We could have easily fallen into the trap of fearing, enduring an excruciating nine months of the unknown. And some days I did give in to that temptation. But those days were few, and more often than not, by the grace of God, I did indeed enjoy my pregnancy with her. Every ultrasound and heart rate monitor brought some anxiety, but more excitement. Every little kick and hiccup filled my heart with hope. With every good report I could breathe a little easier as I thanked God for another day with my child.
My husband and I covered each other, our oldest daughter, and sweet baby Salome in prayer. We had to make the conscience decision every day to trust that God’s plan was good and that He would care for us, and our babies, regardless of whatever happened in the natural.
As a result of our experience with loss, we live aware of the reality that our children belong first to God, and it is our job to care for them and steward them in this life. We do not own them. They are God’s most precious gifts to us as a married couple. And on the hard days when nothing is going right, when the baby fusses and big sister challenges me, I remind myself that God has entrusted them to me. And when I make room for Holy Spirit to move, he of course grants me His shalom in the midst of the beautiful chaos.
Peace in Growth
God will ask us to do things outside of our comfort zone, and He will walk with us and comfort us as we carry out those callings in obedience.
And as we walk with Him we get to experience His shalom, perfect peace, nothing missing. In Christ alone, we are whole.
“Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”
John 14:27 (NKJ)