I had not planned to post again so soon, but then I was reminded of Valentine’s Day and got a nudge from Holy Spirit.
This holiday carries very little weight for me and my family and I often sort of forget it. My husband's birthday is the day after and well, we just find that a bigger reason to celebrate.
I think this is due in part, because we feel we celebrate our love for each other often and Valentine's is just sort of unnecessary. Our lack of enthusiasm for Valentine’s Day could also have something to do with a very special cake….
I love making Tres Leches and my family loves eating it. However, I only make it once a year (for the sake of our health), and since it is my husband's favorite; I make it for his birthday. You can't compete with Tres Leches - especially when it has evolved over the years, and it now involves Nutella. Sorry not sorry Valentine's Day!
That being said, I realize this holiday is a big deal for many people. So, I can understand how it might be quite painful for some. If you have experienced divorce or a difficult break up, lost your spouse, significant other, family member, or friend (including furry ones) that you enjoyed celebrating this holiday with; maybe this Holiday isn't what it used to be for you.
You don't have to love Valentine's Day. You don't have to hate it either.
For some, not celebrating it this year might be a reasonable answer for you. For others maybe new traditions or a spin on old traditions could help. Maybe your celebration or your reason to celebrate looks totally different this year. There doesn't have to be a hard fast rule about Valentine's Day, or really any holiday.
Not Celebrating
If this is a holiday that is normally important to you and you're choosing not to celebrate this year, what are you doing instead? I encourage to have some sort of plan to take its place so you aren't tempted to do something you will regret later, like drinking too much, overspending, or taking your frustration out on others.
Do you have a date with a good book or your favorite movie? Maybe you could plan some time for a favorite activity. Could a day or night of fasting and prayer, or spending time in Bible study help ease your pain? Jesus knows your pain, feels it with you, and wants to heal you.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.”
Psalm 34:18 NLT
A Different Celebration
Do you still wish to celebrate? Could you try celebrating something different or just differently this year? Is there a “half birthday” you could celebrate? Maybe you and a friend or loved one could make up a new holiday or a new way to celebrate.
In recent years I have heard a lot about "Friendsgiving" aka Thanksgiving with friends, often bringing dishes specific from their cultural backgrounds. Holidays are truly what we make them.
I was also recently informed of "Galentine's Day," where gal pals get together for a meal, a few sweets, and crafts. While that's probably not appealing to the men, I'm sure you could come up with a more masculine version!
If you have children or often care for children in your family, maybe you could throw a Valentine party for them. Sometimes looking outside ourselves and serving someone else can be a healthy alternative to sitting in our sorrow. Yes, we need to face our pain and work out our grief with God’s tender love and guidance, sometimes in solitude and sometimes with other believers. But sulking in it can lead to isolation, complaining, and self-pity.
The first baby shower I was invited to after losing our son, I did not attend. I wanted to and had planned to but I just couldn't think about going without crying. So I gave my friend the gift in private and spent time with my daughter instead. I gave myself time to cry, time to be sad about my son and time to be sad I missed the celebration. But it was right for me at the time.
I did not isolate myself and fall into the depths of despair. I communicated with my friend about not coming (which she understood), then I took my hurt to the feet of Jesus. Later I offered to babysit after her son was born so she could have a quiet meal with her husband. My family and I were able to meet this new little blessing privately which allowed us to process at our own pace without having to pretend. It also allowed us to maintain our friendship with this family, as due to exposure, I did not feel the need to avoid their little baby.
A baby shower isn't a holiday, but it was a difficult celebration for me at the time. Prayerfully, we found another solution. And if you need to, I believe that with prayer, the Lord will also give you the solution you need for Valentine's Day this year.
Valentine’s Day After a Death
If you lost a loved one that you enjoyed celebrating Valentine's Day with, perhaps you could continue your traditions in their memory.
It may look different without that person depending on what the tradition was, and that's ok. It doesn't have to be perfect or exactly the same as before, but perhaps you can still continue the tradition in some way, and maybe even share it with others, or pass it down in your own family.
I don’t have any personal examples of a Valentine’s tradition, but I have a new and simple one at Christmas. When hanging the family’s stockings, I also hang just one extra, with a heart rather than a name, for it represents many. I don’t fill it, but it is there. This empty stocking is honor of our lost loved ones, such as our three babies in Heaven as well as my big brother; he was only twenty years old when he died. It was also a reminder of the prodigal I pray returns home. The stocking serves as a physical reminder of the place these loved ones have in my heart. It may not seem like much, but it was helpful for me.
If your tradition consisted of a married nature (it is supposed to be a romantic holiday after all), then perhaps you could write a heartfelt love letter to your late husband or wife. No, they won't get to read it, but that's not really the point. Writing letters can be very therapeutic in such cases, even if writing isn't your thing, I encourage you to give it a try.
Valentine’s Day After Divorce
But if divorce or a breakup is what you're dealing with, might I suggest a redirection of your energy? As stated before, serving others can be a healthy alternative to sulking, which can lead to unhealthy habits.
I have personally never been divorced but I was raised in a blended family. Though I believe my family has blossomed into something beautiful, I remember a time when it wasn't so pretty.
So I don't mean to downplay your hurt at all, because from a married woman's standpoint, I truly can't imagine your grief. Even if no one buys you flowers or candy this Valentine’s Day, know that Jesus is with you, catching your every tear (Psalm 56:8). You are so very precious to Him. He will bring beauty out of your pain. Rest and wait in the Lord. Dear brother or sister, I pray peace over you and your family.
Whether you lost your spouse to death or though divorce, Christ is your kinsman redeemer, and you will always be irreplaceable to Him. If you have never heard the term "kinsman redeemer" I encourage you to study the book of Ruth. If you would be interested on a post further exploring this topic, please let me know in the comments!
Let’s Be Considerate
If you decide not to celebrate this year but next year you want to, that's fine. Or of you want to do something this year and change your mind next year, that's fine too.
If you're like me and you just really don't care one way or the other about Valentine's day, please remember to be considerate of others. Those mourning loved ones or relationships, or those who are single but long for covenant, could be having a difficult experience this Valentine's Day.
We can't always know what others are going through- more often than not, we really don't know what others are going through. Let's choose to be gracious with each other. You never know how a little patience or kindness might affect someone else, especially if they are dealing with a major loss.
Let's start this week, regardless on our feelings about Valentine's Day.