Mother’s Day is fast approaching! Like most holidays, it is usually perceived as a joyful and positive day. But the day doesn’t disappear with loss or heartbreak, even if sometimes we wish it would. For those who have lost their mother, a significant motherly figure, or a child, this day can sting quite a bit. But we can’t, nor do I believe we necessarily should, try to escape it. Rather, I think a healthy embrace of this celebration can be quite healing. This will look different depending on the circumstances, and that is ok. Let’s prepare our hearts for this celebration, that we may be grateful to God for the gifts of mothers, motherly figures, and motherhood even when it hurts.
Tradition
There is no biblical rule that we must celebrate Mother’s Day. However, it will be quite impossible to completely ignore it as friends and family prepare for the day. If you haven’t already, you will probably see and hear about Mother’s Day advertisements and specials many places you go, on tv, and on the radio. It has become another commercialized holiday. Not that there is anything wrong with buying something for mom, but this celebration doesn’t necessarily have to be about material things.
Mother’s Day has a deeper value that I think sometimes we can miss when we get swept up in the material side of things. Though there is no commandment that we must celebrate this day, we are commanded to honor our parents (Exodus 20:12, Ephesians 6:1-2). This commandment was not meant to reflect what we should do on a single day of the year but what we should always practice as a way of life. This includes obeying our parents, respecting them, not speaking or acting in a dishonorable way toward or about them, and caring and providing for them as they age. That being said, setting aside a special day for Mom’s can also be a part of that honor.
Traditions can hold much value and can enhance our human experience. We were made to celebrate with thankful hearts. Think of the joy of birthdays, wedding anniversaries, and other annual celebrations. There are many ways to celebrate, and most individuals and families create and maintain various traditions. But sometimes with the loss of a loved one, those traditions may change. How you celebrated Mother’s Day in the past doesn’t have to be the same as it used to be. In fact, after loss, it is probably not possible to celebrate the exact same way.
But we can still come to the Lord with thankful hearts; thankful for what was, what is, and what is to come.
Mother’s Day without Mom
If you have lost your beloved mother or a motherly figure (step- mom, work mom, spiritual mom, grandma, etc.) then Mother’s Day may be difficult as you mourn that significant life and relationship. But I encourage you to thank God anyway. Take this time, this day to reflect on the good things this significant woman taught you and instilled in you. Reflect on her love and her character. What did she bring to the table that you would like to continue as her legacy?
What did she love about you? How did she encourage you? How did you see God working in and through her? Perhaps you could Journal these thoughts and reflect on them, adding to them each Mother’s Day as a new tradition. Maybe you could write this dear lady a loving letter and keep it in safe space until next year when you can pull it out and read it in sweet memory of her. Or maybe you could write a letter to God or pray a prayer of thankfulness to Him for the time you did get to have with her; however long or short.
Maybe you can’t give your mom flowers, but you could pick or buy some and display them somewhere in her memory or leave them at her gravesite. Inviting family members for a meal to talk about special memories with her could become a new tradition as well. Did she have a favorite book, scripture, or poem? What about a favorite movie, or recipe? Perhaps you could read that book, scripture, or poem, or watch that movie, or make that recipe on or near Mother’s Day in her honor. Did she have a favorite hobby like crafting, gardening, or a certain sport? Maybe invite her loved ones to engage in that activity together.
If your mother passed away when you were young, I am so very sorry. Even if you can’t remember her, you can still praise the Lord for bringing life to you though her. And if you wish, you can still celebrate her and honor her memory. Is there anyone from her life that can tell you stories about her? Anyone who may have pictures of her? Maybe you have a few sweet memories you can journal or share with someone else.
If it so happens that she passed away giving birth to you- know her act of love and sacrifice was seen by God. What happened was not your fault. You are not the author of life nor death. Dear son or daughter, it was never in your hands. And I believe, as a mother, your mother would do it all again for you. Your life is a precious gift, not only to you, but to her, to your family, and to this world. God has you here for a reason. You were made to glorify Him. And in laying her life down for you, she also brought glory to Him (John 15:13). Know and Trust that the Lord has a plan for you!
Mother’s Day with an absent Mother
For some, Mother’s Day may be difficult not because they lost mom due to death, but rather the loss was due to her own decisions. If this describes your circumstance, know you are not alone. Know that even if your mother abandoned, neglected, abused, or rejected you, you are still so precious to God. She has free will like the rest of us, and perhaps she grossly misused it. Perhaps there are also layers of her story you are not unaware of. Is there an opportunity to be charitable in your view of her?
Regardless of how you answer that question, beloved; forgive her. This does not make what she did right, but trust that God will heal your hurt and will use it for you good and the good of His kingdom (Romans 8:28).
Christ commands that we forgive others of their offenses (Matt 6:14-15). Though it may feel impossible, remember that you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you (Phil 4:13). I know she may not deserve it. Neither do we. That is what forgiveness is; a pardon. And beloved, this is for the good of your own soul, that a bitter root may not grow, that you may remain sanctified in Christ.
That doesn’t mean you can’t still hold to healthy boundaries with her, in fact it would be wise to maintain certain boundaries depending on the situation. But what it does mean is that you release her to God, that you give over the anger and hurt to God, and that you pray for her. Ask God how you can earnestly pray for her. Even if it at first all you can do is to lift up a sentence for her, God will honor your obedience and bless you for it.
You can also pray for the type of Mother you would like to be one day. Pray for God to send you a godly mother figure. And if you need something active to do (I get it, I am also a do-er), try to look outside of yourself and your own pain and do something good for someone else.
Maybe you could comfort a bereaved mother or take flowers, or homemade cards or gifts to a nursing home this Mother’s Day. Maybe you have a grandmother or other motherly figure you could celebrate. Maybe this year you could write a letter to the mother that hurt you, explaining how she hurt you and then express your forgiveness to her; maybe even include a little prayer. You don’t ever have to give it to her if you don’t want to (or maybe it is not even possible to do so), You could keep it and read it as a reminder when you are struggling with anger toward her. Or maybe someday God will make a way for reconciliation in that relationship. I pray God heals your heart.
Mother’s Day after Losing a Child
Mother’s Day after the loss of a child hits home for me. Though I have an amazing, loving, living daughter that I thank God for every day; My heart still aches for the babies I lost, especially on special days like this one.
Whether you have any living children or not this day will certainly bring to memory the sweet souls that at one time were entrusted to you. That is ok. That is normal. That is beautiful. You may have many physical reminders of your child, like pictures and drawings, or clothes and books. Or you may feel like you have next to nothing. Maybe only a positive pregnancy test remains. Maybe your memories fall somewhere in between or maybe you lost an adult child. Maybe a foster or adoption situation did not work out the way you hoped.
Whatever the case, I encourage you not to avoid Mother’s Day but to embrace the gift of Motherhood God gave you. Maybe a big celebration would be too overwhelming, there is nothing wrong with a quiet and modest Mother’s Day. If you do not wish to be alone but you do not know how to celebrate or who to celebrate with, perhaps seek out another grieving Mother or family, or the company of a few close friends or family members. Communicate your needs so that others will be aware of how to best serve and connect with you on this day.
Would you like someone to fast and pray with you? Go on a walk with you? Take flowers or a memento to your child’s resting place? Craft or watch a movie with you? Do you want to talk about your child? Sometimes others who have not been through this type of loss, want to help but genuinely have no idea how, and sometimes people may avoid you for fear of saying or doing something that might hurt you. The more you communicate your needs and wishes, and invite others in, the more they can be there for you, and the less you have to feel alone.
On the other hand, maybe this Mother’s Day you would like to be alone, or to be alone with your husband or a close family member or friend. Could a little trip be arranged? Maybe just a day fishing or hiking. Maybe an overnight stay at an Airbnb or hotel for a change of scenery? If you wish to be entirely alone, please let a loved one know of your plans beforehand so they are not worried about you. If it may be unsafe for you to be completely alone, please tell someone you trust so that you can get the help and support you need.
You too could write a letter to your beloved child, or write out prayer to God. Often at night, when trying to put my daughter to bed, she cries for her brother. So we say a prayer, asking for God to pour out His peace and Joy on us as well as on Keanu. We ask that Jesus would give him a big hug and kiss for us. I whisper for Selah and Noah as well, as our little girl does not know of those losses yet, though when she is older, we plan to explain them to her. For now, she knows of Selah and Noah as ‘Keanu’s friends in Heaven’.
Mother’s Day after loss of a Spouse
Another challenge to Mother’s Day may occur for those who have lost their spouse due to death or divorce. Whether your role was husband planning for your wife or you were the wife on the receiving end of the celebration; Mother’s Day will now look, and feel, quite different. New traditions are perfectly fine if old traditions no longer work or are too painful. Any number of the ideas I have listed in other sections may work for you. Maybe none of them will work for you.
I still encourage you to take a moment this Mother’s Day to thank God for your children and for the person that helped to bring them into this world.
Talk to your family members about what you would like this Mother’s Day to look like, or ask them for suggestions, as this may be a difficult day for all involved. I pray your day is blessed beyond what you could have imagined.
My mom’s birthday was one week after my brother passed away. We could have skipped her birthday that year, but I didn’t believe that was fair. So, my little brother, and some close friends, helped me put together a small intimate party for her. It was really nothing major, but we wanted to remind her how much we loved her, and that we had to keep living despite the depths of our despair. None of us felt like celebrating, but it absolutely meant the world to her. I say this to encourage you, despite the depths of your despair- you are loved and whatever loss you are dealing with, it is healthy to keep living, to keep celebrating, and to keep adapting traditions as life changes.
If you know a mom who has lost her spouse due to death or divorce, I encourage you to reach out. Call or text her, take her some flowers or a homemade card. Send her some sort of encouragement and offer your precious prayers.
"Are any of you suffering hardships? You should pray. Are any of you happy? You should sing praises. Are any of you sick? You should call for the elders of the church to come and pray over you, anointing you with oil in the name of the Lord. Such a prayer offered in faith will heal the sick, and the Lord will make you well. And if you have committed any sins, you will be forgiven.
Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results."
Mother’s Day After Abortion
For moms who have chosen abortion, I imagine this day could be agonizing. If you have yet to repent this sin, it is not too late. God knows your sorrow and your regret, and even this He can use, even this He can redeem. If you are dealing with this heavy heartache, please reach out for professional help. Your church or a local church should have resources for you. Do not be too ashamed to ask for help. Your voice can be one of the strongest in the Prolife moment. Your voice, your story can save countless lives.
This Mother’s Day I encourage you to take just one step in turning your story around. Did you give your child a name? You still can. Have you ever considered partnering with your local church or local Right to Life Chapter? Maybe you are ready to share your story publicly, or maybe you would just like to make a donation in your child’s name. Wherever you are in the process of this grief, there are godly women ready to walk with you through this. I pray the Lord leads you to them on your path to healing.
If you or someone you know has taken the "abortion pill," within the last 72 hours and wishes to obtain treatment to save their child you can find more information on the abortion pill reversal here. But please do not postpone, it is said that best results are obtained if treatment is given within the first 24 hours.
Other Difficult Circumstances
There are many other reasons Mother’s Day could be painful. There are situations where children will not speak to their parents for various justified or unjustified reasons. Maybe you are the parent that abandoned your family. Maybe you are young or single and this Motherhood thing is just plain difficult. Maybe you gave up your child for adoption; thank you for choosing life dear mama. Maybe your beloved child was conceived by rape and you or they struggle with this reality, though God loves that child and you.
There are so many complex and painful scenarios in this fallen world. But whatever makes Mother’s Day difficult for you, know that God is listening to your every prayer. Know that any shame, any hurt, any regret you might have, you can lay at His feet. Trust that He is working in and through every situation that we step back and respect His authority over. Walk graciously in obedience and give it all to Him, He is in control.
Final Encouragement
If this Mother’s Day is difficult for someone you know, I hope you will consider talking with them about some of the ideas I have provided in this post. Another way to offer comfort to someone who may be struggling this holiday could be a gift certificate for a massage, manicure, pedicure, pottery class, or some other service or activity she might enjoy. Maybe he or she could use your service as babysitter for a few hours for some needed time in solitude. Or maybe your friend just needs your presence. If you would like to provide a thoughtful, specialized gift, I have several links provided in my most recent post Where was God? Feeling Forsaken and Overcoming the Lie.
None of these things will solve their problems or heal their pain, only God and cooperation with His will can do that. But offering your support and encouragement can be a powerful part of the process.
If this Mother’s Day is difficult for you, I hope you will consider applying some of the ideas I have provided in this post. It is my hope that these suggestions will at least give you some ideas of how you might implement your own ideas for new and healthy traditions.
Remember through it all, to keep your eyes fixed on Jesus. His love for you is more than enough. And though it may feel like this storm will never fully pass, be encouraged that these storms can transform into deeper trust and relationship with Him. Embrace your heartache and your Healer; He turns mourning to dancing (Psalm 30:11-12) and makes beauty for ashes (Isaiah 61:3).
