"Where's my wretched little sister?" I can still hear his dramatic British accent, stomping around in his big black Doc Marten boots.
Today my big brother would have been 38 years old.
I was 16; he was 20 when we lost him to suicide.
I wonder what he would have looked like, how his career as a hairdresser would have progressed, and if he would have had a family. Though these wonderings are natural, I know I cannot live in the land of "what ifs" too long, for God has given me so much in the here and now to attend to and be grateful, as well as a future reunited with our saints in Heaven to look forward to.
I remember someone telling me once, after losing my brother, that things would get "easier." But I don't think "easier" is the right word. We learn how to cope. We rediscover how to laugh and allow ourselves to cry. Life without someone you deeply love takes time and effort to adapt. I wouldn't say it gets easier, but it does get better. And when it does get better, we need not feel guilty; our hearts were not made for permanent despair but for joy and relationship with God and others:
A cheerful heart is good medicine,
but a broken spirit saps a person’s strength. -Proverbs 17:22
Jesus answered him, “The first of all the commandments is: ‘Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.’ This is the first commandment. And the second, like it, is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”-Mark 12:28-34
A Simple Celebration
So today we will take a moment to enjoy a scoop of Russell's favorite ice cream flavor, mint chocolate chip, in his honor. It's funny how much my daughter loves this flavor, too. I have many fond memories Nanny (our grandma) taking us to Dairy Queen when we were little. Russell always got a mint chocolate chip blizzard with M&M's and in younger sibling fashion, I always had to copy him.
In a short, sweet, and simple way, we celebrate him today. Choosing to celebrate our loved ones, whether with us or those that have passed doesn't have to be overcomplicated or unnecessarily stressful. At the same time, we mourn the past 17, soon almost 18, years without him. I mourn the fact that my children will never know their ridiculous Uncle Russell on this side of Heaven. But they will know his name. They will hear tons of goofy stories about him. My daughter loves hearing these stories about him and about other family members who have passed.
When she asked how her own brother died, we had to explain infection and how a baby's immune systems are so delicate. When she asked how my brother died, I told her his brain and his heart were very sick. I thought this to be the most reasonable explanation for a 4-year-old. Thankfully it sufficed.
When she's older, at some point I will have to explain suicide. I will have to explain depression, chemical imbalances, and bipolar disorder. I will have to explain so many things about what happened with her uncle and about our broken world.
But as a follower of Christ, I also get to explain that God has a better plan for us. That someday all the sorrow will fade away. I get to teach her about redemption and God's immeasurable grace. I get to teach her that we have hope of being reunited with Uncle Russell and so many others. I get to show her that there is nothing better than life with our healer and redeemer, Jesus, and that His love and glory outweighs all the sadness.
Suicide Awareness
If you or someone you know is having thoughts of suicide or self- harm please seek help immediately. God put you in this world for a reason, please don't remove yourself from it. YOUR LIFE MATTERS!
You can find links posted for suicide hotlines and prayer lines on the resources page.
You can also find information about self-care in my post Self-care not Selfishness, Glorifying God in the Healing Process.
As always, contact a medical professional for treatment. If you are not sure where to start, the hotlines as listed on the resources page can help get you connected with someone in your area.
I pray peace and healing over you dear friend.